


rock and a hard place

by lemonyscissor



Series: red water fountain (will i stop making peter parker angst? no) [1]
Category: Marvel, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Gen, He doesn't get a Hug, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Peter Parker, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Has Panic Attacks, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Sad Peter Parker, Self-Harm, i can't spell ffs, i'm sad now, this is really stupid, this made me sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:40:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28439262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonyscissor/pseuds/lemonyscissor
Summary: vent fic.in which peter parker has a panic attack.
Series: red water fountain (will i stop making peter parker angst? no) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2083146
Kudos: 16





	rock and a hard place

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:: self-h@rm , panic attack , su!c!dal thoughts , a lot of swearing .
> 
> a/n: hi darling! just here to say , i'm basing this off of my experiences only , so i apologise if you feel like i'm being insensitive or unrealistic , please tell me! also, it is all over the place, and really doesn't make sense and i am aware of that, but for my sake, please ignore that :')
> 
> take care of yourself, drink water, and please don't read if you're in a bad place right now, or if these topics upset you or make you uncomfortable. i care about you darling <3

**peter was feeling antsy.**

**antsy as fuck.**

**he was currently in tech class, possibly the most triggering class there is, frantically bouncing his leg up and down as he fought the urge to cry uncontrollably.**

**they were stitching, and stitching meant sharp objects. stitching meant scissors, needles, and pins.**

**it didn't help that flash thompson was busy trying to stick the most needles in his hand at the next table over. not like peter was any better, after staring at flash hurt himself for fun for a full two minutes, he also couldn't resist the temptation to stick that needle into the palm of his hand.**

**yes, he may have been clean for almost a week, but this didn't count, right? plus, it's not like he actually cared about whether he was clean or not, the only reason he had been for so long is because he dropped his sharpener blade down the side of the sofa like a fucking moron.**

**he only pushed the needle in slightly, as this was not his usual form of self-harm and frankly, he didn't like it too much. still, it was satisfying, just not satisfying enough to get his whole body to stop shaking. if anything, it made him shake more.**

**he stared at the needle stuck under his skin, he thought about pushing it deeper, he thought about making it bleed, he thought about stabbing himself in the gODDAMN FUCKING CH-**

**"peter? you alright?"**

**peter hid his hand on instinct, hiding both the needle and somewhat the shaking, and looked up at the teacher asking him a question to which he replied with his favourite phrase.**

**"yeah, i'm fine."**

**since the school system is oh-so good, the teacher nodded and walked away from the very obviously suffering student who desperately needed help, because teachers are so great.**

**peter took the needle out of his hand, thinking it was pointless since it wasn't really doing anything for him. how could he be this pathetic anyway? he was spider-man for fucks sake, he should be better than this. he should be strong enough to be able to handle one day without hurting himself. yet, he wasn't. he never will be. he'll always be weak, weak little peter parker. that's all he'll ever be.**

**he's not cut out to be spider-man, he's not cut out to be around tony stark, he's not cut out to be a student, he's not cut out to be may's nephew, he's not cut out to be mj and ned's friend, he's not cut out to live. he fails in everything he does, so why the fuck does he think he deserves to be alive?**

**at this point, he was bouncing his leg so quickly it began to hurt. he hated it, he hated every second of it. it's not like he wanted to feel pain, yes, he liked it a lot, but that doesn't mean he wanted to feel it accidentally. he just wanted some control in his life, well, partly. most of all, he wanted to see the blood, he wanted the scars.**

**it doesn't matter how it started anymore, his original reason doesn't matter. he can't live without it anymore, he needs it in his life, he needs it in every second of his day. he gets so stressed without it, and now all of that stress has piled up and fallen over in the span of one tech class.**

**he felt like his mind started filling up with water, his thoughts were being flooded and jumbled around. he couldn't think at all anymore, he couldn't comprehend what was happening. his throat was closing up, his eyes were welling with tears. he couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, and he was fucking crying.**

**why the fuck did he have to start thinking about it? he was fine, he was fine until he started thinking. he did this to himself, it was his fault he was such a fucking mess and a failure. it's all his fault, it always is.**

**now his head is sitting in the comfort of his arms as he's crying his eyes out, and nobody around him seems to even fucking notice. wankers. all of them. peter thought about giving them what they deserve. he thought about punching them into a fucking wall and watching as they bleed out and die.**

**maybe he's going a bit far with his thoughts, but it's not like he'd ever act on them, so who cares, right?**

**his hands started shaking more and more, he tried so hard to keep them still but that resulted in them jittering and moving about rapidly. he secretly wanted someone to notice.**

**why can't anyone fucking notice?**

**he's suffering.**

**he's suffering so much.**

**why won't anyone help him?**

**why tHE FUCK WON'T ANYONE FUCKING HELP HIM?**

**he was getting agitated. he was driving himself insane and he couldn't control it, he couldn't contain it. he wanted to run out of the classroom, he wanted to hide in the toilets and tear his skin to shreds. if only he wasn't so anxious that he couldn't even move from the position he was in, he can't even raise his fucking hand.**

**his head hurt so much.**

**the flood felt like it was spilling out everywhere. it was washing everything around him away, everything was gone. nothing was clear to him anymore, it was filled with water, everything was blurry and shaky. he couldn't focus anymore. he didn't even know where he was, what he was doing. his throat was so dry, felt so small.**

**he was too scared to breathe, he was scared to make even a single noise. he was used to containing his noises when panicking, but he couldn't even hear himself anymore. he couldn't tell whether he was loud or quiet, he couldn't tell if he was even fucking there anymore.**

**did he even exist?**

**what the fuck was happening?**

**all of the feelings came in at one strong rush. he couldn't control it.**

**while all of this was happening, outside of his own chaotic mind, back in the tech class, nobody. fucking. noticed.**

**everyone was too preoccupied with their own stitching, none of them even realised how big of a deal it was to peter. everyone saw a needle. peter saw a fucking torture machine.**

**the bell finally rang.**

**peter didn't move.**

**he didn't hear it.**

**he didn't hear anything.**

**he was so out of it, he was stuck in his own mind and he didn't know how to escape. he didn't know how to get out of that fucking hell. he felt like he'd been stuck for hours, days. he'd given up on fighting, he'd let the wave of panic crush him.**

**now he's lying on the floor, water surrounding him, drowning him. he used to call for help at this moment, he used to shout and scream and cry and beg and plead and do aNYTHING HE COULD. anything.**

**but, now?**

**he didn't do anything at all.**

**he couldn't.**

**he didn't have anything left in him to try.**

**he'd given up.**

**he felt like there wasn't any hope for him.**

**he just lay there, letting the water submerge him.**

**it blocked his only way to get oxygen, but it's not like he could breathe either way. he shut his eyes, he let himself shut off his senses entirely.**

**the panic was still there, but it was slowing down. everything was slowing down, aside from the water. peter finally caught up with the panic, but the water was still rushing in quickly, so, so quickly.**

**there was nowhere for him to go. everything was closed off. he didn't have a place to be anymore.**

**there's only one thing left to do when you're stuck underwater, no way of escaping.**   
**just let it happen.**

**so without hesitation, he did.**

**peter finally breathed in.**

**FIN**

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! i know it was short, but hopefully you enjoyed it. i'm really anxious about this lol. might of been writing this while i was really panicky, so i apologise for it kinda flopping, and being all over the place. i hope you have/had a lovely day and took care of yourself :)  
> and if you couldn't , it's okay , take it one step at a time and don't push yourself too much. drink some water , pay some attention to yourself and take care darling <3
> 
> p.s. if you didn't get what happened in the end, he passed out. this was all based on a major panic attack i had, and in the end i did in fact pass out, so yeah :)
> 
> \- wren


End file.
